So my life is continually difficult haha. mistakes, mistakes and more mistakes. BUT, the great thing about mistakes? I grow :) so I'm happy. It's been difficult adapting to this place. Different surroundings and environment have caused me to have to change my mindset and lifestyle to a degree but i believe that it's all part of the plan and my adaptation to these things are God's way of beginning to mold this part of my life and shape me into the woman he desires me to be (thank you Scott :) ). I dont know anyone here....dont have a church here....dont have a vehicle, dont know where I am, dont have a million people to hang out with...God is really teaching me reliance on him and not on people and institutions, which is pretty cool. He's really been working between Zach and I as well to relieve some of the tension and work out alot of the hurt and mistrust that built up over the last six months. It's been really difficult but I can daily feel God freeing me from the burdens and constrictions of the fear, pain, mistrust and anger that I spent so much effort repressing between January and now. At the time it was necessary for me to repress it because I couldn't have functioned had I allowed myself to feel it. But now I've got to deal with it. Repressing it doesn't make it go away, it simply helps you cope with it in the moment. In a strange way, Zach and I are better off now than we have been in a while.....but it is still really hard not to wish and wonder what if none of this had ever happened....I was really struggling with that a few nights ago. Having to look at us and see the potential of such beauty and know what an ideal relationship would look like without our interference, if we simply followed God's will for it on all levels....and looking at how broken it all is now. I had a hard time, thinking that it just isnt fair that I shouldnt have that beautiful godly relationship between two people who sought God and waited for Him to bring them that one other person...especially since I did wait. I realized exactly how much hurt I had pent up over time. I think I cried enough to fill a river...but thankfully God was gracious enough to build the bridge for me :)
Sunday Josh Zach and I went to the Yorktown theatre and saw The Last Airbender. Monday was kinda a lax day. Tuesday I wasnt feeling well so Zach stayed with me all day at Margo's to watch Abby, only left to go get me lunch :) Yesterday I watched Abby by myself but it was a very good day. Caught up on some rest and had some awesome worship time. Zach and Josh came and lunch with me cuz they were working close by and then after work, the three of us went to Nail Trix in Kilmarnock and got pedicures (see FB for pics! :D). Josh was super excited, Zach took some convincing. when they found out about the nail polish they were even less excited but both of them were good sports (relatively) and got their nails painted. Well, I never planned on getting a pedicure, especially with my two best friends (who not only live on the opposite side of the country but are both guys XD) haha but it was good. And then last night we had a really good family meeting with Zach, Josh, mom and dad and I. I feel closer to them all and feel that I value these relationships God has blessed me with more than ever. I'm beginning also to see and appreciate positive traits in Zach that I didn't notice even when we were dating, as God is revealing them to me, and as a result respecting him on new levels.
I feel like I've been really lacking the excitement and adventure that I thrive on since I have been here, but God is teaching me that adventure and excitement doesnt always come wrapped in the package that I might like to think it does. letting God's plan unfold in my life is a much different excitement than what I am used to or was expecting but I am learning to appreciate it just as much....
He still has alot to do in me and it's becoming painfully obvious to me how far I still have to go...but I aam looking forward to it. Thank you all for your prayers. I need and appreciate them so much. Please keep Zach, Christine, Scott, Elijah, Levi and Josh in your prayers as well.